I want....
loveNot just love, I want to be IN love. I mean like swinging around the "L", hopping through the "O", and swinging from the "V" to the "E". All in it, lol. I want to surpass my own notions of what love could be, has been. I want to surprise myself, and the man who will have my heart. I want every kiss to be deep, whether its a long wet one or a simple peck on the lips. I want my stomach to feel warm everytime he tells me how he feels about me. I want him to make me feel like, I can't stay mad at him. I want the make up sessions to make me forget why I was even mad in the first place. I want to memorize the rhythm of the palpitations of his heart...which of course will belong to me. I want the sound of him inhaling, then exhaling...to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I want to blush 10 years in, just because he winked at me. I want him to be able to kiss my hand, and feel it on every inch of my body. I want to feel protected, shielded, warm. I want...children, made with care, pieces of us both to come together and make people who are even more beautiful and passionate than we are. I want our love to be untouchable, timeless, personal, publicly private.
This desire doesn't derive from outside images of candy coated love stories. Its in my soul, I was built for it. I think most people were built for it, but the pain and heartache they are continuously put through dims the light more and more on each occurrence. There have been points in my life, very recently in fact, where I have felt that I didn't believe in this type of love anymore. I think the issue is that I have never really come close to it. And every time I do, they find a way to make me change my mind. Find a way to push me away, without even knowing they are pushing me away. It seems as if they feel, "oh she loves me, she isn't going anywhere. I'm just gonna show my ass and I KNOW she will find a way to deal with it because she loves me". I want a man who doesn't think like that. I want a man who puts in work to make sure I am not sad or heartbroken, because he knows I will do the same. Who will never break my heart to fulfill his own tenuous desires. Who finds comfort in comforting me, my tears summon his tears. I want to feel the satiating warmth of tears of joy, for once. I want him to watch the movie I wanna see, just because he is curious about what I like. I want him to go from watching that to watching me sleep, and for him to look forward to me waking up next to him every morning. I want his heart to ache when I'm far, because mine will when he is. I want him to charm me, tell me I'm beautiful, even after he knows he got me sprung. I want him to think I'm gorgeous even when I make ugly faces, lol. I want us to lay around for hours conversing about nothing, and everything. I want our love to transcend that fear of expression. I want us to want to be reunited in Jannah, and to be reminders to one another of how to get there. I want us to be selfless for one another, but selfish with each other. I want him and I to become...US
My close friend
